Aaron Thurmon, Guest Writer
There is no one-size fits all, step-by-step approach to rebuilding trust after an affair. Trust me, I’ve looked. I couldn’t tell you how many books, blogs, podcasts, articles, and workbooks I have read over the years. If a roadmap is what you are here looking for, I am sorry to say it doesn’t exist. But I pray you keep reading anyway.
Feeling lost and listless with no assurance you are making progress is the most frustrating and defeating part of marital recovery. You have to lean into the process, accept that it is not linear, rely on the wisdom of those who have gone before you, and take everything one day at a time. And with hard work and God’s mercy, over time you will begin to slowly see hope breaking through.
That being said - while there is no map, there are some concepts and tools that I found to be a highly effective compass in my own healing journey that may help point you in the right direction.
Feeling lost and listless with no assurance you are making progress is the most frustrating and defeating part of marital recovery. You have to lean into the process, accept that it is not linear, rely on the wisdom of those who have gone before you, and take everything one day at a time. And with hard work and God’s mercy, over time you will begin to slowly see hope breaking through.
That being said - while there is no map, there are some concepts and tools that I found to be a highly effective compass in my own healing journey that may help point you in the right direction.
1. Rearranging Our Life
“You want your life to look radically different from the circumstances that bred the affair.” This was one of the first and most anchoring pieces of advice we received. It challenged us to look at our daily schedule, our jobs, our commitments, and evaluate where we needed to make big changes.
For us, it looked like stepping out of small groups and serving roles that, while good, were not the best use of our emotional capacity in that season. It looked like turning down social invitations and pre-planning date nights in favor of creating space for time together. It meant evaluating our friendships and pulling away from those who wouldn’t (or couldn’t) advocate in the absolute best interests of our marriage. It meant big job change, adjusted commute schedules, and sometimes rearranging spaces in our home to create a sense of ‘newness’. (For a time, we even considered moving!) All decisions, big and small, designed to direct all our attention to the immediate need in front of us. Our marriage was hemorrhaging, and all other non-life-threatening injuries had to wait.
For us, it looked like stepping out of small groups and serving roles that, while good, were not the best use of our emotional capacity in that season. It looked like turning down social invitations and pre-planning date nights in favor of creating space for time together. It meant evaluating our friendships and pulling away from those who wouldn’t (or couldn’t) advocate in the absolute best interests of our marriage. It meant big job change, adjusted commute schedules, and sometimes rearranging spaces in our home to create a sense of ‘newness’. (For a time, we even considered moving!) All decisions, big and small, designed to direct all our attention to the immediate need in front of us. Our marriage was hemorrhaging, and all other non-life-threatening injuries had to wait.
2. Accountability
It was incredibly important for both of us, but particularly me as the offending spouse, to quickly put in place a system of accountability to help me navigate integrity and healing. This meant identifying an intentionally small group of men that were pursuing Christ in their own marriages and would keep private the intimate details of my recovery. These were men my wife trusted and who were given authority to speak into my life. We would talk regularly through our group chat and meet weekly on Friday mornings over the course of a year to practice accountability and process my grief. These men were vital in helping me bear the burden of the sin that had wrecked my life, and they encouraged me forward as I sought ways to rebuild trust with my wife.
In addition to building community, we put other practical tools in place to create additional layers of accountability. I completely deleted my social media profiles which were a constant source of temptation to view soft-porn and other over-sexualized content. We subscribed to Covenant Eyes – an accountability app designed to monitor my screen activity. And we added strong parental controls to our home network.
Other considerations might be trading in your smart phone for a “dumb” phone with pared down features to remove easy access to pornography and social media, and moving all tech activity into shared, public spaces of your home.
In addition to building community, we put other practical tools in place to create additional layers of accountability. I completely deleted my social media profiles which were a constant source of temptation to view soft-porn and other over-sexualized content. We subscribed to Covenant Eyes – an accountability app designed to monitor my screen activity. And we added strong parental controls to our home network.
Other considerations might be trading in your smart phone for a “dumb” phone with pared down features to remove easy access to pornography and social media, and moving all tech activity into shared, public spaces of your home.
3. Counseling
Investing in a biblical counselor may have been the single most helpful thing we did during our recovery. For us, it was important to find a counselor that we each connected with individually, who could speak life to us no matter the outcome of our marriage. For two years, one or both of us were in her office weekly, plumbing the depths and intricacies of our family origin stories, hearing biblical wisdom through the various seasons of our healing, being encouraged to lean into one another, and pursuing oneness with each step of our journey. Every minute spent on that couch was worth its weight in gold.
If you’re looking for a Christian counselor, Preston Trail has curated a list of recommendations here.
If you’re looking for a Christian counselor, Preston Trail has curated a list of recommendations here.
4. Books & Resources
We were recommended a number of resources to help provide perspective in our journey, both as I looked to make connections between my childhood and adult life and as God worked to renew my heart and perspective for my wife.
by Brad Hambrick, Th.M., Ed.D., Pastor of Counseling at The Summit Church
This seminar-turned-podcast and associated workbook was one of the first and most useful tools in first few months after the affair was brought to light. It is not for the faint of heart and will push you into new areas of radical transparency with your spouse and with others as you come face to face with your sin.
The complementing study "True Betrayal: Overcoming the Betrayal of Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin" and workbook was also immensely helpful for my wife. I can recommend no better starting resource than Brad’s seminar.
Reengage is a national care group for married couples offered at local churches. Visit this link for information about Preston Trail’s reengage ministry.
Other books that were helpful to me that I find myself recommending to others are –
5. Connecting Daily with My Wife
Each resource and tool I have shared above was pivotal in moving toward healing, but it would not be but for the grace of God working through my wife that I can add this last one. Because my wife so courageously chose to stay and pursue forgiveness despite my betrayal, we were able to prioritize daily connection with one another. This allowed us to lean in through the hard and painful emotions and make the choice to not let any further division gain a foothold in our relationship.
While you can rearrange your life, set up accountability, and dig into counseling and resources regardless of whether your spouse chooses to stay, my prayer is that you are given the opportunity to repair and reconcile together.
For us, that looked like nightly connection after we put our kids to bed. We would sit together on the couch, face to face, without distraction and talk about our day – where we struggled, what we were learning, and things we could looking forward to doing together. Sometimes this was a few minutes well spent. Sometimes it led to hours of deep conversation. Often it led to lots of tears. In a season where there were no good answers and nothing felt sure or normal, the rhythm of regular connection provided a sense of safety and security.
We also chose to put in place an open line of communication during our workday. Since my betrayal took the form of an inappropriate workplace relationship, my job was an immense source of anxiety for my wife. To help establish a sense of connection, even when we were not able to be together, we had an ongoing computer chat that we used to share about our feelings, our work, and our lives.
Lastly, if there is one thing you can do to radically transform your marriage, it is this. Pray together. Every day. Without exception.
Here are some shocking statistics… while 50% of first marriages end in divorce (even among Christians), and 78 percent of second marriages end in divorce, less than 1 percent of couples who pray together daily end their marriages.
That is as close as you are going to get to a foolproof way to make your marriage last. When you pray together, you re-center yourselves on the most important thing - alignment with God and his grace and mercy given to us in Jesus Christ. Whatever circumstances brought you to this chapter in your story, whatever outcome you may be facing, God is sovereign over it all. Submit yourself to His authority in your life, surrendering the impossible load you are carrying, and remaining open handed and vulnerable together before the Lord. This is the way forward.
While you can rearrange your life, set up accountability, and dig into counseling and resources regardless of whether your spouse chooses to stay, my prayer is that you are given the opportunity to repair and reconcile together.
For us, that looked like nightly connection after we put our kids to bed. We would sit together on the couch, face to face, without distraction and talk about our day – where we struggled, what we were learning, and things we could looking forward to doing together. Sometimes this was a few minutes well spent. Sometimes it led to hours of deep conversation. Often it led to lots of tears. In a season where there were no good answers and nothing felt sure or normal, the rhythm of regular connection provided a sense of safety and security.
We also chose to put in place an open line of communication during our workday. Since my betrayal took the form of an inappropriate workplace relationship, my job was an immense source of anxiety for my wife. To help establish a sense of connection, even when we were not able to be together, we had an ongoing computer chat that we used to share about our feelings, our work, and our lives.
Lastly, if there is one thing you can do to radically transform your marriage, it is this. Pray together. Every day. Without exception.
Here are some shocking statistics… while 50% of first marriages end in divorce (even among Christians), and 78 percent of second marriages end in divorce, less than 1 percent of couples who pray together daily end their marriages.
That is as close as you are going to get to a foolproof way to make your marriage last. When you pray together, you re-center yourselves on the most important thing - alignment with God and his grace and mercy given to us in Jesus Christ. Whatever circumstances brought you to this chapter in your story, whatever outcome you may be facing, God is sovereign over it all. Submit yourself to His authority in your life, surrendering the impossible load you are carrying, and remaining open handed and vulnerable together before the Lord. This is the way forward.