Claire Thurmon, Guest Writer
I am so sorry this has happened to you.
There aren’t any words that will make the pain of betrayal sting less. But as a fellow soldier in the fight for marital restoration, I want to hold your face in the palms of my hands, look deeply into your tear-swollen eyes to the point where their vastness gives way to your very soul and tell you just how very sorry I am. I am sorry you are here. I am so, so sorry.
What has been done to you is wholly unfair. You didn’t ask for this. You wouldn’t choose this. You don’t deserve this. And I’m so sorry.
What has been done to you is wholly unfair. You didn’t ask for this. You wouldn’t choose this. You don’t deserve this. And I’m so sorry.
Be kind to yourself.
No one may know it from the outside, but you’re experiencing trauma. Your body is taking measures to protect itself - mentally, physically, emotionally. It’s in this state that you may struggle to care for yourself.
Take a walk. Take a shower. Step outside for a few anchoring breaths. Take time to sip your coffee while its hot. Sit in the quiet of your car in the driveaway for ten extra minutes. Call your mom. Listen to that song one more time. Enjoy the soak of a hot bath. Read a book that takes your mind somewhere else. Eat a sleeve of cookies. Go for a run. Just be.
Take care of your body while tending to your heart. And give yourself grace. Have grace for the responses that are more reaction than rational. Grace for when you feel out of control. Grace for when you just can’t seem to do the thing. Grace for the person you used to be – the one who didn’t know what was being ripped away. Grace for how this has changed you.
Your story is not over. This moment does not define you.
Take a walk. Take a shower. Step outside for a few anchoring breaths. Take time to sip your coffee while its hot. Sit in the quiet of your car in the driveaway for ten extra minutes. Call your mom. Listen to that song one more time. Enjoy the soak of a hot bath. Read a book that takes your mind somewhere else. Eat a sleeve of cookies. Go for a run. Just be.
Take care of your body while tending to your heart. And give yourself grace. Have grace for the responses that are more reaction than rational. Grace for when you feel out of control. Grace for when you just can’t seem to do the thing. Grace for the person you used to be – the one who didn’t know what was being ripped away. Grace for how this has changed you.
Your story is not over. This moment does not define you.
Get help.
You were not meant to walk alone. This journey you are walking is not for the faint of heart. At times you will need people to carry you. Pause and pray about who you need lifting you up. And for the sake of your healing, keep your circle small.
This means that not everyone in your life will get a front row seat to your story. Identify two or three people who love you and love Jesus who will trudge through the trenches of this season alongside you. These are the people who will see you at your worst and love you till you’re once again at your best.
They shouldn’t be people who will pick ‘sides’ in your betrayal story. For that reason, it’s likely best that they aren’t family. Rather, decide early and now how you can be authentic about your season without inviting others to speak in.
“We’re walking through something hard right now, but we have the right people walking with us. Thank you for praying for us.”
Finding a supportive, biblical counselor may be your best investment. It was for me. And when you’re ready to take that step, you can find a list of recommended counselors here.
This means that not everyone in your life will get a front row seat to your story. Identify two or three people who love you and love Jesus who will trudge through the trenches of this season alongside you. These are the people who will see you at your worst and love you till you’re once again at your best.
They shouldn’t be people who will pick ‘sides’ in your betrayal story. For that reason, it’s likely best that they aren’t family. Rather, decide early and now how you can be authentic about your season without inviting others to speak in.
“We’re walking through something hard right now, but we have the right people walking with us. Thank you for praying for us.”
Finding a supportive, biblical counselor may be your best investment. It was for me. And when you’re ready to take that step, you can find a list of recommended counselors here.
Stop.
Nothing will ever justify what has been done to you and the hurt that’s been caused. No reason will ever be enough. No explanation will ever make this make sense. Ever.
Sin doesn’t make sense. Sin is messy and ugly and greedy and vile, and its only aim is to destroy. No amount of logic can remedy the loss that’s been driven into your soul. No why will ever sufficiently carry your grief.
And so, at some point, you will need to stop.
For the sake of your own heart, stop.
Stop beating yourself up. Stop beating your spouse up. Stop asking questions that you don’t need to know the answers to - the ones whose answers only serve to create more hurt and are not helpful to your healing.
Instead, work to make peace with God’s provision being enough. Your need for God is far greater than your need for answers. Ask that his covering be enough for today.
Sin doesn’t make sense. Sin is messy and ugly and greedy and vile, and its only aim is to destroy. No amount of logic can remedy the loss that’s been driven into your soul. No why will ever sufficiently carry your grief.
And so, at some point, you will need to stop.
For the sake of your own heart, stop.
Stop beating yourself up. Stop beating your spouse up. Stop asking questions that you don’t need to know the answers to - the ones whose answers only serve to create more hurt and are not helpful to your healing.
Instead, work to make peace with God’s provision being enough. Your need for God is far greater than your need for answers. Ask that his covering be enough for today.
You can't fix him/her.
No really, you can’t. You cannot stop them from sinning any more than you can undo what has been done. Quite frankly, that is not your responsibility. It’s theirs. They have to be the one to do the work.
And yes, you have your own work to do - your part to own. But managing the risk of their sin is not it.
This is why it’s so important to have people holding you accountable in this area. For you, its people you trust speaking wisdom and love into how you’re processing your grief – calling out seeds of bitterness and speaking life into hopelessness. For your spouse, it’s people on the front lines of confession, making space for and lovingly holding their feet to the fire as he or she works to build a life of integrity.
You did not cause their sin. Sure, it’s possible you had influence into the circumstances that allowed their sin to breed. But your spouse is their own agent - capable of making their own decisions. At the end of the day, they gave in to Satan’s lies. They put their own desires above God’s best for their life. Their betrayal really wasn’t about you. It was about them.
“They wouldn’t do that if they really loved me.”
Well, they do. And they did. Unfortunately, both of those things can be true at the same time.
Their love for you alone is not big enough to win the war against sin and death. That is not your job, it’s Christ’s. And the good news is, he has already won! And submitting to Jesus as Lord is what changes hearts. That burden is not ours to bear.
So, my encouragement to you is this – surrender.
Surrender all of it. Your hurt. Your grief. Your need for answers. Your need to control the outcome. Your today. Your tomorrow. The pen in the story of your life. Turn it over to Jesus. Jesus, a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief, who draws near to the brokenhearted, who lavishes his love on a thousand generations. This Jesus is your hope.
If you’re looking for more practical support and encouragement in this season, here are a few resources that were helpful to me –
True Betrayal: Overcoming the Betrayal of Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin
by Brad Hambrick, Th.M., Ed.D., Pastor of Counseling at The Summit Church
This seminar-turned-podcast and associated workbook was one of the first and most useful tools in first few weeks after my husband’s affair was brought to light.
The complementing study "False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Pornography to Adultery" and workbook was also immensely helpful for my husband. Brad’s seminar is a great place to start.
It's Not Supposed to Be This Way, Lysa TerKeurst
Forgiving What You Can't Forget, Lysa TerKeurst
re|engage
Reengage is a national care group for married couples offered at local churches. Visit this link for information about Preston Trail’s reengage ministry.
And yes, you have your own work to do - your part to own. But managing the risk of their sin is not it.
This is why it’s so important to have people holding you accountable in this area. For you, its people you trust speaking wisdom and love into how you’re processing your grief – calling out seeds of bitterness and speaking life into hopelessness. For your spouse, it’s people on the front lines of confession, making space for and lovingly holding their feet to the fire as he or she works to build a life of integrity.
You did not cause their sin. Sure, it’s possible you had influence into the circumstances that allowed their sin to breed. But your spouse is their own agent - capable of making their own decisions. At the end of the day, they gave in to Satan’s lies. They put their own desires above God’s best for their life. Their betrayal really wasn’t about you. It was about them.
“They wouldn’t do that if they really loved me.”
Well, they do. And they did. Unfortunately, both of those things can be true at the same time.
Their love for you alone is not big enough to win the war against sin and death. That is not your job, it’s Christ’s. And the good news is, he has already won! And submitting to Jesus as Lord is what changes hearts. That burden is not ours to bear.
So, my encouragement to you is this – surrender.
Surrender all of it. Your hurt. Your grief. Your need for answers. Your need to control the outcome. Your today. Your tomorrow. The pen in the story of your life. Turn it over to Jesus. Jesus, a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief, who draws near to the brokenhearted, who lavishes his love on a thousand generations. This Jesus is your hope.
If you’re looking for more practical support and encouragement in this season, here are a few resources that were helpful to me –
True Betrayal: Overcoming the Betrayal of Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin
by Brad Hambrick, Th.M., Ed.D., Pastor of Counseling at The Summit Church
This seminar-turned-podcast and associated workbook was one of the first and most useful tools in first few weeks after my husband’s affair was brought to light.
The complementing study "False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Pornography to Adultery" and workbook was also immensely helpful for my husband. Brad’s seminar is a great place to start.
It's Not Supposed to Be This Way, Lysa TerKeurst
Forgiving What You Can't Forget, Lysa TerKeurst
re|engage
Reengage is a national care group for married couples offered at local churches. Visit this link for information about Preston Trail’s reengage ministry.
Posted in Faith, Relationships
Posted in marriage, betrayal, affair, infidelity, spouses infidelity, hope, healing
Posted in marriage, betrayal, affair, infidelity, spouses infidelity, hope, healing